Don't Blame Me...it's The deMented Mom and Her ADD

Because She Says So

2011-12-01T13:03:00.001-08:00

So, I have ADD.

Apparently it's true because my doctor told me so.

I'm still cogitating on this wee bit of news. I'll get back to you soon, when I figure it all out.

In the meantime, I've changed the name of my blog to indicate that perhaps I needed to go in a different direction after all...

Hold the phone...I'll be right back...

Sliding

2011-08-26T14:29:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl I swore I would never be like my mother. Without inadvertently throwing myself the proverbial pity party- suffice it to say she was a bat-shit crazy bitch.

Over the four plus decades of my life I've done my best to hang on to my sanity lest I succumb to the suckfest that seems to be my maternal genetic gift. Apart from the fiasco that was my first marriage, I think I've managed to dodge that bullet--until now.
My daughter is 15. She, along with her 17 year old special needs brother, is the only meaningful and positive thing to come out of said marriage.

Really, I suppose just acknowledging that I am trying to raise a perpetually PMS'ing girl and a rigid, socially awkward boy may give me the reassurance I need that if my cheese is only now attempting to slide off my cracker-I haven't done a half bad job of keeping it together.

I'm struggling right now. Both mentally and physically. I'm not really sure what my main problem is but I know this...I am NOT happy. I'm irritable with my kids, bitchy to my husband and isolating myself from my friends. To add fuel to the fire, I have a mystery knee injury that is keeping me from my sanity-saving runs. The only thing that gives me a whit of pleasure right now is Honey Bear, my 5 pound blonde bundle of Pom-A-Poo.

I know this will pass. School starts in 10 days. My life can get back to some semblance of a routine. I can write, finish my personal training course and hopefully get back to my thrice weekly runs.

In the meantime I'm holding on but losing my fingernails as I skitter down the rock wall.

I'm Friggin Running a Marathon!

2011-04-27T17:22:00.000-07:00

So I've been absent for awhile. A good six months plus to be exact. Yep, pulled the blog from public consumption while I attended to life. We have to do these things sometimes. Life's like that.

I've been busy on my blogging sabbatical. As I've mentioned in posts previously, I am a runner/jogger. Something I took up somewhat reluctantly in my quest to get a handle on my middle-aged spread. Turns out that I liked pounding the pavement to such an extent that I am currently in my taper week prior to running the BMO Vancouver Marathon on May 1st. That's 42.2K of staying upright and moving for the better part of 5+ hours (or 26.1 miles for those of you south of the border).

I'm both sad and excited about taking part in this race. Sad that all those great weeks of training with a hilarious bunch of ladies is coming to an end but so excited to get the bling when I cross that finish line...whether it's on my own two feet or because a kind soul drags my prostrate body across the finish line after finding me on the ground somewhere out on the course!

To all of you out there that don't think you have the time/stamina/motivation, whatever, to run a marathon, let me tell you this: If I, a 40-something married mom of four children can get her jiggly butt into those running tights and run in whatever hellish weather happens to be on tap...ANYBODY CAN!

Now go out and do it!

Hypocrisy or Life Lesson's Learned?

2010-10-21T13:06:00.000-07:00

"I'm not one to judge"..."She shouldn't judge other people"..."You have no right to judge me".

I hear these phrases all the time and I have to admit to being guilty of uttering variations of them myself. Yet as I've unwillingly entered my 40's , I find myself doing exactly that ...judging the choices people make.

Now before I am inundated with nasty comments about 'intolerance' and 'hypocrisy' let me make myself abundantly clear, I do not for one minute believe that it is OK to judge another person based on race, religion, sexual preference, level of education, or physical attributes (I'm sure I've missed some other important things but you get my drift), on the flip side however, I don't believe that we should be so non-judgmental that we blindly accept anyone or anything.

The ability and duty to judge the actions of others is what defines us as a civilized society. It is the very act of imposing our judgment on others that prevents all out anarchy on our streets. We're SUPPOSED to judge right from wrong; judgment from others ensures that the vast majority of us conform to societal norms.

Let me be as up front and honest as I can; if you decide to whale the tar out of your child in the parking lot of Walmart, steal a car, or leave your wife and two babies for some young thang you met at work, hell yes...I'm going to judge you.

Some would call me a hypocrite but I believe that many people don't truly know the definition of a hypocrite.

a hypocrite is someone who says something and does something else because they never believed what they said in the first place.

Though I myself have made choices in the past that others would judge as wrong, this should not exclude me from the right to pass judgement when YOU make a choice that is ethically and morally bankrupt. I believe that we should honor our commitments and live up to our responsibilities, and I try everyday to live that belief.

So don't hide behind the old "you can't judge me" defense. I can, I should, and I will judge the choices you make.

*Originally posted by the deMented Mom in November 2009

Work In Progress...Sorry for Any Inconvenience

2010-10-13T09:51:00.001-07:00

If taking a moment to poke around, you may notice that there are some blank pages...please bear with me. I have been moving stuff around and importing old blog posts into this new blog format.

Hopefully I will be back to sharing my awesomeness soon ;-)

Refocusing

2010-09-13T09:44:00.000-07:00

Though I've been 'missing' from the blogosphere of late, I have been lurking in among the myriad blogs out there, sussing out the good and the bad, the funny and the sad, trying to figure out where I fit in amongst the crowd.

There are fantastic blogs out there; ones I return to again and again. Those whose posts I am so loathe to miss that I have them delivered to my inbox as soon as they are posted.

I have learned some invaluable lessons about blogging during my hiatus. Lessons I intend to implement to take this damn blog in hand. Here are a few of those 'pearls of wisdom' that I have absorbed in my blogosphere travels:

1. Don't feel pressured to post every single day. I would much rather read two or three phenomenal and relevant posts in a week rather than seven mediocre and irrelevant ones.

2. Keep it pithy. Like I said, there are so many blogs out there to consume. If it's too wordy, I tend to skip that read for the day..just saying..

3. Be real, be sincere, be genuine..you get the picture. I want to relate to you. I want to know that I'm not the only woman who agonizes over the muffin top/grey pubes/southward bound boobies.

4. Be freaking funny. Really, life is far too serious sometimes. Make me blow that snot bubble or two. It burns extra calories, releases those 'feel good' endorphins and makes me come back for more.

So here I am to announce that this blog is going to be refocused, retooled, and (hopefully) more relevant.

My life is complicated and frequently resembles a sitcom (think Family Guy). I'm not a new mom, my kids are no longer babies. I have entered middle age whether I like it or not, and I don't. I have four children, two of which are teenagers. One of my children is special needs. I've been married, divorced and married again. I am me and I am you.

Let's talk about the issues that affect those of us who struggle in the never-never land of 'middle age'. From our quest to find that perfect anti-aging cream, the secret to getting along with your teenage daughter, how to find the time and the energy to maintain some semblance of a marriage...you name it, I'll gripe about it.

Won't you join me?

Parenting On a Good Day

2010-03-03T11:13:00.000-08:00

Me: Do you think they have 'family' rooms on the psychiatric unit?

DH: Who in the hell would want to room with their family? When I lose my shit I'm going into seclusion

The Granny Patch Revisited.

2009-11-24T12:43:00.000-08:00

I really didn't want to do it, I didn't want to wade into this silly photoshop/body double war. As most of you already know, Ms. Moore was photographed for the December cover of W magazine. Since the public release of said photo, every Joe Blow Blogger has been spewing their opinion as to the validity/authenticity of this photo.

OBVIOUSLY the freaking pic is photoshopped...ALL magazine cover shots are photoshopped. The voracious appetite we celebrity haters worshippers have for reams of impossibly beautiful photos of our idols practically demands it.

A lot of the blogs are claiming that Demi's head was superimposed on this picture of model Ana Rubjik as she glided down the catwalk in this uber-sexy Balmain dress. Really? Isn't that a bit of a stretch? Frankly, I really don't think Demi's body is so hideous in all it’s middle aged glory that it needs to be completely replaced in order to sell a magazine.

Yes, I know she's *gasp* 47...far too decrepit to rank a cover page according to the misogynists out there who lord over the fashion industry. But in her 40's or not, this woman's body is SICK (for those of you without teenagers, this means something amazing or unbelievable.)

PROOF? An unretouched photo of Demi in a bikini on a recent vacation.

Worse than the killjoys who refuse to give this woman credit for the bod are those who believe she has 'sold out' for allowing her picture to be photoshopped in the first place: "Accept your body and all it's natural beauty", "aging is not to be feared but flaunted proudly", "embrace those wrinkles/stretch marks/brown spots" they proclaim.

Go blow it out your granola crunching ass! As a woman of a certain age, I find myself taking stock of my assets on a fairly regular basis and it’s not pretty. I wish someone would invent some way to photoshop in real time and in the flesh. I’d call it ‘bodyshopping’.

Oooh, I think I'll take off a couple of inches off the waist here, erase this nasty age spot there, lift and plump these funbags just a titch...

The possibilities are endless and the thought makes me positively giddy. Call me shallow and vain; my husband does and I own that. But no one told me this was going to such a struggle, this aging thing.

I'm especially pissed that NO ONE warned me that as I'm minding my own business, that which declares that I am indeed of the female persuasion would betray me and start to sprout curly GREY hairs!

I have a freaking Granny Patch and I'm not even old enough for my kids to start procreating. My husband has asked that I refrain from using this moniker...it creeps him out. Having my womanly parts wither away before my eyes creeps ME OUT...he should suck it up.

Do they sell hair dye for the ‘short and curlies’? What about 'lip' plumping solution? I haven’t summoned the courage to ask the nice lady who works behind the cosmetics counter at the drugstore yet.

I've said it once and I'll say it again, aging sucks serious ass. Just ask Demi.

My Swine Whine

2009-11-02T14:40:00.000-08:00

As if this topic hasn't been done to death (seriously, no tasteless pun intended),I feel compelled to add my two dollars worth.

This story caught my eye this morning and I just about blew coffee out my nose.

Come on people...were you beating the crap out of each other for sneezing and coughing a year ago? NO?

Consider this:

The seasonal flu is more likely to lead to hospitalization or even death, as it kills roughly 35,000 each year. (source: MSN Health)

How about a few more:

More than 25 million people have died from AIDs (up to July 2007)

50 000 people die EACH month from AIDs in Africa

Every year 80 000 people die from tuberculosis

Malaria is one of the planet's deadliest diseases and one of the leading causes of sickness and death in the developing world. According to the World Health Organization there are 300 to 500 million clinical cases of malaria each year resulting in 1.5 to 2.7 million deaths.

I'm at a loss. Why the media hype? Why the hysteria about THIS particular disease?

There are a lot of theories...a government conspiracy to try to distract the everyman away from war in the Middle East and the disaster that is the economy; pharaceutical companies looking to make money off the panic of a gullible public.

I'm not sure but I was in bed for the past week with what was likely the seasonal flu. At the times I could sit up and see straight, I found myself slipping into a state of panic, endlessly surfing the web, obsessively checking my symptoms against those listed by WHO and the CDC.

Worried that I had the dreaded Swine flu, I locked myself away from my family in the fear that I would kill them all.

Looking back and reviewing the real life stats, I wonder about my laissez-faire attitude regarding the flu in seasons past. Perhaps my paranoia about the Swine has led to my family and I actually being better protected from the seasonal flu as well...and that's not a bad thing.

But please, don't beat on your neighbor for breathing on you. Just wash your hands, don't touch your eyes, nose or mouth, and for heaven's sake, get vaccinated.

It IS all about ME!

2009-08-20T01:00:00.000-07:00

I dare any of you to deny it. I don't care how many of you declare that your family/kids/husband/dog/friends blah, blah, blah, come first, you are full of shit.

We are individuals. We journey into this world alone and we leave it alone. It's all about survival. We are biological entities whose main interest is survival above all else. Of course I love my husband and kids; I love them more than anything. I would gladly take a bullet for any of them without a second thought.

But my husband has this irritating habit of frequently stating "It's not all about you, you know". I usually take this bit of criticism, flip him the bird (in my mind) and humbly acknowledge that nothing is about me at all and how could I be so selfish as to consider my self interests at all.

So today I snapped.

When did my Person Card expire? When I got married? When I had children? When I was born a girl in the first place?

Ok, maybe I'm a bit of a navel gazer. I'm not above admitting that I am inherently flawed. But let's put it this way-they don't tell you to put that oxygen mask on your face first, before attempting to help anyone else, just for the sake of pre-flight entertainment.

How many women do you know that have taken this martyrdom to heart and have become haggard, irritable, stressed-out shells of their former selves? Are they honestly better wives, mothers, daughters, or friends because they have relegated their needs to the bottom rung of the ladder?

I don't know, ask their husbands and kids but make sure the ~~biotch~~ ever-suffering mom isn't around or at least make sure to hide potential weapons first.

I had a mom like this; she had a mom like this. I have friends, relatives and neighbors like this. It's not pretty. It's exhausting, exasperating and frankly fucking idiotic.

If I've learned anything about life since I entered my 40's it's this...it's every man for him/herself!

Put on that oxygen mask ladies, your loved ones will thank you and will probably stop hiding the knives.

Sweet Revenge

2009-08-19T21:18:00.000-07:00

Me: Do you think they have 'family' rooms on the psychiatric unit?

DH: Who in the hell would want to room with their family? When I lose my shit I'm going into seclusion

Endorphins Are Our Friend

2009-08-18T20:43:00.001-07:00

I realized something that took me by surprise last week. We were away camping and despite my good intentions I only managed a 12k and a 6k tempo run for the entire week. (I biked and swam but the perfectionist in me figures this doesn't count).

By the end of that week, I felt jittery, irritable, jumpy and just plain shitty. I could not figure out what my problem was. Not PMS, not alcohol withdrawal (though camping does entail a bit of imbibing) and something a bit more than just plain bitchiness.

Holy crap, I was actually going through exercise withdrawal. I mean, I had heard other runners talking about the 'runner's high' and being 'addicted' to the sport but I really didn't pay much attention to it...everyone tends to wax prosaic about their chosen obsession.

A quick Google search came up with scads of articles debating whether or not this 'addiction-withdrawal' phenomenon actually exists. A great article in the Science Daily published in March 2008 discusses a study that seems to confirm what the majority of us long distance runners have known all along...it bloody well DOES exist.

As if I needed another reason to run?

Endorphins Are Our Friend

2009-08-18T20:43:00.000-07:00

Time Traveling without the Sequined Glove

2009-08-18T19:43:00.000-07:00

Well I spent the day at the mall with my two daughters on that eagerly awaited yearly jaunt to hemorrhage money on those 'back-to-school' outfits that they "have to have" and end up languishing in the closet because they are too uncomfortable/short/long/tight/loose/scratchy/dorky, to be worn.

I LOVE to shop. It's my Valium washed down with a Cosmo, I swear. Shopping with a pre-pubescent Miley Cyrus wanna-be and a 13 year old who seriously thinks her mother is beyond redemption is not my favorite way to part with my cash but a necessary evil forced upon me as penance for the torture I inflicted on MY parents. Apparently I'm not one of the lucky ones with horseshoes up my ass.

Casually flipping through the clothing I had this flash of deja vu...I looked up and around the store-Leggings, big sweaters and sweatshirts, flannel shirts, hip slung belts, ankle boots, wristlet purses, LEG WARMERS, short jackets and skinny jeans. The only thing missing were sequined gloves, tube skirts and pointy flats. Holy crap...it's the 80's revisited!

OH MY FUCKING GOD! It can't be true. I have officially been around long enough to see a trend come around twice. My daughters are going to be wearing the clothing that I wore when I was a young adult. Kill me now.

To add insult to injury, they insisted on informing me that I had "no idea" how these outfits went together and that all of my suggestions were completely irrelevant and "pathetic".

Are you kidding me? I wore these outfits to nightclubs and university flings. I danced my face off to Madonna, The Cure, The Psychedelic Furs, U2, OMD, Michael Jackson in my flannel shirt, hip slung belt, tube skirt, pointy flat shoes and lace fingerless gloves. I was HOT!

I can't be old enough for this to have happened. I know my birth certificate says that I am 43 but really, I'm still 19 inside. I'm too young and immature to have four children, a husband and a mortgage. Someone is going to find me out and tell me it's all a mistake...really...aren't they?

Aging sucks ass.

Joining the 'Bad Mom' Band Wagon

2009-08-06T09:45:00.000-07:00

Despite what some of the more cynical blog reviewers would have you believe...I don't really think that 'bad parenting' is something that we, as a blogging group are proudly proclaiming as being a badge of honor amongst us. For some reason, when a MB chooses to share some of her more, let's say, humble moments of parenting with her fellow bloggers, she's allowing all of us to breathe that collective sigh of relief knowing that "I'm not the only one who has said/done that".

Called a 'bitch' and 'ugly' by my own mom, nice eh??? Thanks :-))

OUCH!

When I saw this Facebook status update posted by my own 13 year old daughter I was immediately transported back to my own adolescence and reminded of similar scenes that played out between my mother and I. I won't regale you with the details but needless to say, my mother and I did not enjoy a warm, close mother/daughter relationship while I was growing up and remain somewhat estranged to this very day.

I have always maintained that I would NOT become my mother, EVER. I swore that when I had a daughter I would remember how much I wanted a mother to count on and to support and comfort me as I faced the world. Up until this point, I think I've been pretty successful.

Alas, the teenage years have commenced, along with raging hormones, questionable peer relationships and her increasing ambivalence and anger around her father's move to another province where he has remarried and fathered another child.

My daughter needs me now more than ever and frankly, sometimes I fall down on the job. My mothering template is one that I have to choose to overcome and let's face it, I'm human, I get worn down, I get angry.

Did I say those things to my daughter? NO, but within the context of the situation, that's what she heard, and that's what matters.

Does that make me a bad mom? - Sometimes

Will I make mistakes? - Definitely

Do I love my children? -Desperately

Will it all work out in the end? I can only hope so.

Pool Etiquette

2009-08-04T15:40:00.000-07:00

I've been doing some cross training to try and shave some valuable minutes off my time for the Royal Victoria Marathon in October. One of these activities is swimming.

I've really resisted the idea of adding swimming to my training as quite honestly I haven't swum any great distance or speed since I was a teenager MANY more decades ago than I care to admit.

I donned that matronly workout bathing suit; strapped on those goggles, the suction from which makes my eye balls feel like they are going to pop right out; safely ensconced my children with their swimming classes and hopped into that pool.

Holy mother of Gosh! They aren't kidding when they say that swimming is one of the best all over work outs. I thought that I had great cardio capacity and that this would be a piece of cake. I managed to eke out 400m (not front crawl..be serious) before clutching onto the side of the pool for dear life to try and get some precious air into my lungs once again.

I just have one bitch...why don't people observe the rules of lap swimming? I mean, clearly these people that I was sharing a lane with were experienced lappers but a few of them seemed to be swimming-lane-impaired when it came to properly following the flow of traffic. They put this lovely, idiot-proof sign at the end of each lane that clearly shows you how to 'play by the lap swimming rules'-swim one way up either of the outside lanes, and then return straight down the middle. Obviously not so idiot-proof after all. I've never had to duck, back paddle and swerve as much as I did today just to avoid any nasty collisions that would have been nothing if not visually disturbing (can you say flabalanche?).

Oh well, I'll just focus on the benefits down the road as I contemplate attempting a triathalon some time in the near future. Heck, I run, I just bought a fancy new bike and now I'm splashing about in the pool...logical next step don'tcha think?

Anyone care to join me?

PS: It would be even better if the lifeguards wore this little number.

Image via Wikipedia

I Tend To Ruminate

2009-08-04T06:00:00.000-07:00

Apropos of yesterday's rant. Being the needy woman that I am I asked my husband if I could get some "maintenance" done on my face. I figured that if he had to, he'd lie to spare my fragile feelings.

DH: What would you have done?

Me: Well, you know, this thing between my eyebrows called the "Bitch Wrinkle"

DH: Now that you mention it...It does kind of look like a vagina on your forehead.

Now I know what DH really stands for: Dick Head.

I'll Give You a Bitch Wrinkle

2009-08-03T07:37:00.000-07:00

I've been fuming, muttering and bitching for a couple of days now. Nothing new really but I think I'm justified this time. Behold this attempt at humour by Sarah Hampson of The Globe and Mail :

Welcome to Midlife, complete with Bingo Wings and Vampire Dinner Lips

In a nutshell, Ms. Hampson goes on to describe the 'cute' names that have been given to various body parts on a middle aged woman: bitch wrinkle, bingo arms, vampire dinner lips and diaper butt to name a few. If you need me to actually identify which body parts go with which moniker, you're too young to be reading my blog and should take your wrinkle-free butt elsewhere.

Call me vain and shallow, my loved ones frequently do, but I'm really having a tough time with this aging thing. Love it or hate it, eternal youth is the Holy Grail for a lot of women. I'd hate to put myself in that camp. I like to think of myself as far more centered and accepting of the changes that I'm noticing. But *fuck it* I'm NOT.

So, this article really pissed me off. I was embarrassed and a little bit humiliated as I identified with a few of these descriptions. I actually pulled that section out of the newspaper and stashed it in the bottom of the recycling bin lest my husband read it and take it upon himself to take inventory of my various body parts and their current state of decrepitude.

Not only is this article not very original or particularly humorous; it is completely one-sided. No discussion of men and the changes they go through as they age? Are we to believe that men stay firm and wrinkle free? Um please, even the one thing that can usually stand tall and straight throughout their lifespan needs a little help sometimes...hello Viagra!

So Ms. Hampson, thanks for betraying us and joining in with the mean-spirited teasing. It's hard enough looking in the mirror and seeing some important parts moving south, at least let me pretend that I'm the only one who notices them.

The Heat is No Friend of Mine

2009-08-01T17:48:00.000-07:00

What the heck is going on with the weather here on the West Coast of BC? Known for our temperate climate and copious amounts of rain, this heat wave is literally kicking the shit out of me.

Week 5 (I think, it's all a blur) in my half marathon training and I've been reduced to water running and biking in an attempt to maintain my cardio and NOT die of heat exhaustion in the process.

I have to say, it's just not the same. I really miss that runner's high that I've come to rely on to keep the dose of my antidepressant at a reasonable level. My kids are begging me to run and even my husband is hinting, not so subtly, that our relationship may benefit from a little road time.

I decided that family happiness and my own sanity were worth more than a pesky bit of heat stroke so I sucked it up and joined my group to do some hill training on Thursday.

I never realized how much one person can actually sweat in an hour of exercise. I swear my running shoes were making squelching sounds as I attempted to keep up with the group during our "warm up" run to the hill.

To be fair, they did cut down the intervals to 12 x 1 minute sprints up the hill but at one point, the hill starting to bob up and down in my vision like one of those bridges that you see on the news that's swaying up and down during a particularly nasty storm.

At that point I called it a day and dragged my extremely sweaty ass back to the comfort of my air conditioned car.

Oh, if only you could actually melt the fat off of your body by exercising in the heat, I'd be golden (and skinny).

Failing Spectacularly

2009-07-21T15:37:00.001-07:00

I am my own worse enemy. Week seven in my half marathon training and I am at the same weight, which is 10 pounds more than I want to be. I've downloaded the 'Lose It' app on my iphone, signed up for 100 Push Ups and 200 Sit Ups. But I have utterly, and absolutely fallen off the wagon.

Oh, I still run my scheduled runs four days a week but in between I am filling my face with whatever I want, I followed the 100's programs for exactly three days, and I continue with my nightly glass (or 3) of antioxidants.

Add to that, my running buddy is experiencing the wonders that is a marriage breakdown. Sooo...we packed up our kids and went camping last week. Good intentions put aside, we spent the week eating and drinking away the stresses without fully appreciating that we were only adding to them.

On the plus side, my ever-suffering and supportive hubby bought me a brand new hybrid bike to add to my cross-training efforts. So with new resolve I took off on my new ride and found myself touring through my city; just letting the roads take me where ever they led. Before I knew it, I had been gone for two hours and logged over 30k on my Garmin.

Holy shit! I wish I'd discovered biking during my last training. That rush of speeding down a hill, a little bit afraid but excited at the same time. Exactly what I needed to help me get out of yet another slump.

5k tempo run with my buddy in the 30 degree weather (that's Celsius) will add yet another challenging dimension but hell, maybe I can sweat off some of this lard.

Whew..I'm back!

2009-07-09T08:18:00.000-07:00

With a vengence I might add.

It's been a struggle, I won't lie. I have taken to logging my intake with an App on my iphone called 'Lose It'.

Wow, if you haven't yet taken a couple of days and written down every single morsel that you shove into your gob hole, I highly recommend this humbling experience. Who knew that a single restaurant meal can add up to over 1200 calories or more? I have clearly been kidding myself about how much I've been eating. So, the mystery of the clinging weight has been solved...now it's up to me to try and get a handle on my intake.

I am into Week 4 of my 1/2 marathon training and despite having to RICE after every run due to ongoing grumblings post-injury, it's starting to feel fantastic. I forgot how much I NEED to run. Not only do I need that endorphin rush, but with summer vacation (read: all four kids home all day), crappy weather, and a house that is seriously on the verge of being condemned by the health department, getting out for that run with the group is VITAL to my sanity.

In my quest to complete this training and actually run the 1/2 marathon injury free, I have decided to really focus on adding cross training into my regimen. To that end I have joined up with Running Betty to be able to 100 push ups by the end of July. I'm starting a bit late so will have some catching up to do, but what the hell.

Head on over and check it out...just think what it will do to your arms and those post-kid boobs!

Is it me or Is that Foreplay?

2009-06-21T21:56:00.000-07:00

My husband just recently took up running. I guess the 'if you can't beat, join it' mantra became too much for him to resist.

I have a running partner already. She has been with me from the very beginning when I was retching on the side of the road after my first 10 minute run (I'm not shitting you). We've been through days and nights of training that involved weather so freaking cold that I thought my nipples would pop off. We've slogged through the rain, the sleet, the snow, the fog and now the heat of summer. We've never let each other down, always showing for that scheduled run no matter how busy, tired, hungover or cranky we were.

And now my husband wants to run with me...and just me.

With four kids, two dogs, a household to maintain, and my new obsession with running, there really hasn't been that much time or energy left over to devote to our marriage. I have to give him credit. He's always been supportive and accommodating. Even when I was stumbling home after my long runs on Sundays, only to crash on the couch and snooze for a couple of hours he never complained once. And now, he's decided to join me on this crazy quest for that last minute race to get fit before the years take over and our bodies fall apart. But I'm ambivalent (at best).

It turns out that my running partner is crazy busy at work and was unable to do the long run with me this morning. Soooo...my DH volunteered to be my running buddy today. I have to admit I was a bit skeptical since I'm training for another 1/2 and he's just completed his first 5k clinic/race. Though I am still rehabbing the leg, I'm anxious not to lose any of the momentum I've built up by having to slow down to my hubby's pace.

To my delight and surprise, he managed to do the full 7k with me in 55 minutes. Slow but steady so I can't complain. And what with my (supposedly) slow return, it was a satisfactory run.

But then I noticed something.

As we were walking during our cool down, I felt myself get all flushed and warm.

Me: "Um, do you feel kind of weird?"

DH: "What do you mean?"

Me: " I'm feeling kind of horny. I just got a big whiff of you and it's kind of a turn on".

DH: "Shut up"

Me: "No really, I am"

DH: "No, I mean shut up or I'm going to end up walking around with a big tent in my running shorts"

Since the grandparents took the kids for us this morning, we were able to rush home and take advantage of the 'after effects' of our run.

I'm thinking that having an alternate running buddy could prove to have pretty nice fringe benefits.

Twilight Shuffle

2009-06-17T13:13:00.000-07:00

Image via Wikipedia

I ran the 5k Twilight Shuffle in Chemainus last night and lived to tell (barely). My time wasn't great but I am standing by the assertion that this was due solely to the fact that I am 'rehabbing' my stress fractured leg.

In that spirit, I ran with my 8 year old daughter.

Thinking that this would force me to keep a slow pace AND take many walk breaks, I completely underestimated the Energizer Bunny that is Cam.

Anybody who has a young child knows that 'keeping up' with same child is a marathon in and of itself. Instead of taking it easy last night, I ran 30% faster than my tempo pace and had to practically beg my daughter to take one minute walk breaks, lest my leg completely snap in two.

Looks like I'll be back to water running and cycling for a bit longer. Lesson learned. I think we have a new runner in the family.

Keeping my fingers crossed

2009-06-11T06:45:00.000-07:00

Well, tonight we shall see if I have rested this darn stress fracture enough. Training for my next 1/2 marathon starts tonight with the Running Room and while I am really looking forward to finally getting back out there, I'm terrified that my leg hasn't fully healed and I'll be faced with the prospect of putting my running on hold longer than I had anticipated.

I've dutifully spent the last few weeks doing everything but lace on my Mizunos and let me tell you, my family is probably more eager to see the ass-end of me running out the door than I am. I am such a BITCH when I don't get that daily run. Biking and swimming just haven't cut it I'm afraid. I'm not sure what it is about running that seems to screw my head back on but I know that I'm not the only one who needs it like a drug.

If anyone has any suggestions/ideas to ease the transition, I would love to hear from you.
Happy Trails everyone!

Not Just Your Kids Video Game!

2009-06-08T13:49:00.000-07:00

So,I got the new Wii game EA Sports Active. It's one of the new fitness games out there that are supposed to justify time spent on gaming rather than the important stuff (like laundry?). Anyway, I'm really going stir crazy not being able to run (see below) and having the attention span of a six year old, I need to add new sh*t to my fitness regimen all the time.

I have a couple of these fitness games, one of the first being Wii Fit. I was on the waitlist for that sucker for a couple of months before I finally scored one. It's been fun, but not quite as challenging as I would like. So, when I read about the 30 day Challenge for EA Sports Active, I had to check it out.

Well, I've done it twice now and HOLY CRAP! It's super easy to set up. You just plug in a few numbers such as height, weight, and age; design a funky Mii (avatar); and voila, a personalized training regimen is put together for you. You have the option of taking the 30 Day Challenge or tailoring your own program by selecting from the many exercises available. I've chosen the Challenge option since it basically gives you a varied workout that has been put together by fitness specialists.

Well, two days after my first workout, I'm screaming everytime I lower myself into a sitting position and I have that pleasurable pain (you know what I mean) in all the major muscle groups in my body. I have to say that I'm surprised. I work out regularly, including strength so I really didn't expect this to be too effective...WRONG!

If you're looking for another 'at home' option when you just can not get to the gym, or if you have mommy-guilt about taking time away from the family to go exercise (I know, I really need to let that go..I'm working on it!), this can be done with a partner. My six year old, who has not yet figured out how to entertain himself, was quite happy to exercise along with mommy for a good 30 minutes...total bonus.

Check it out, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. Unfortunately, I'm still not doing the important stuff but I'm gonna look hot in that bikini this summer ;-)

Set Backs and Back-up Plans

2009-06-02T09:19:00.000-07:00

So, being 42 has definitely proved a challenge when it comes to getting in shape. I have been running steadily for one year now. I have competed in two 10K's, an 8K, a couple of 5k's and a 1/2 marathon in that year. My body has now decided that maybe I've been a bit ambitious.

I have my first stress fracture of the lower tibia. How cool is that? Does this mean that I am officially a RUNNER? I now have battle scars to prove it too!

Now what? I was not prepared for this screeching halt to my running career (temporary though it may be) and in the two weeks I've been sidelined, I've watched my weight begin the insidious creep that tells me I need to DO SOMETHING.

So, just to keep me honest and on track, here is my plan:

Monday: Pole dance class
Tuesday: 20K bike
Wednesday: 20k bike
Thursday: Strength work and water running
Friday: 20k bike
Saturday: water running
Sunday: Strength and bike with family

Here's hoping my appetite stays relatively stable and I can resist that urge for icy drinks on the patio.

Gaining and Gaining and Gaining....

2009-05-26T10:46:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to do the standard "but I exercise regularly" thing. But seriously, WTF?? I get on the scale everyday--usually more than once a day. Yes, I know that's a bit excessive but it's my OCD, what can I say? Anyway, as I've been obsessively weighing myself, I've been watching that scale keep up ever so slowly until-POW--I'm now up 10lbs since starting my 1/2 marathon training in January.

Obviously I'm eating too much. But I'm damn hungry. I run five days a week; bike two days a week; pole dance once a week; and strength train 2-3 times a week. Can I help it if I don't crave carrot sticks and tofu? Give me the beef, pasta, and bread. It could have something to do with the nightly glass (or three) of red wine. But heck, I only drink it for the healthy anti-oxidants.

So what's a gal to do? I don't diet. It just doesn't work. Tell me I can't have something and I'll eat four of them.

Basically it comes down to this...eat less and move more. Since I'm already moving at maximum capacity I need to stop shovelling the grub into my gob hole in the mountainous quantities I've grown accustomed to. It really should be a no-brainer, and it is..the problem comes when trying use determination and sheer will. I don't know about the rest of you, but when those gingersnap cookies are languishing on my counter, I can't do anything until I inhale those suckers. I swear they call out to my from all corners of the house until I finally give in.

It really never ends does it. I thought that I would care less about my weight as I got older; that I would come to "love the body I have" but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Round and round we go.

Sunday Run

2009-05-24T11:19:00.000-07:00

I love my Sunday runs. There's nothing better; seriously. Non-runners shake their head when I tell them that I'm out of bed at 5:30 Sunday mornings so I can refuel and rehydrate in preparation for my LDS (long distance slow) run. Believe it on not, it's one of the most relaxing things I do for myself during the week.

Running with a bunch of like-minded (some would say dumb-minded) women, chatting and laughing while running away the week's stresses is a treat that I look forward to. We talk about our errant children, our demanding jobs and our (mostly) understanding husbands. Each week at least one of us is having some sort of mini-crisis that is talked out and figured out by the end of the run.

I really believe that running with a group is beneficial, even mandatory in so many ways. Not only do I get my socializing top-up, I also have a version of group therapy that not only keeps me running even when it's the last thing I want to do, but also supports and encourages me through this thing called life.

The Starbucks at the end of the run is a nice bonus as well.

Running Sucks

2009-05-19T19:49:00.001-07:00

Anyway, as I'm huffing and puffing my way up the hill (it's uphill both ways of this run..WTF? Don't ask me, it's some sick joke city engineers have been playing on us runners) I'm thinking "Why am I doing this? I can't breathe, I stink, people are giving me that 'look' as they drive by". That's when it dawns on me, running is like child birth--

you suffer through the torture again and again (if you're really stupid or fertile) because it feels so darn good when it's all over. After childbirth you have this little bundle of love and joy-wait until they're a teenager but that's for another post. After a good long run, you have this feeling of euphoria not unlike that glow you get from a damn good orgasm. Somehow, our smart little brain cells immediately erase any negative memories we may have of these experiences and hence, we come back to them again and again.

That's my theory anyway. I can't explain the urge to run or parent otherwise.

Beginnings

2009-05-19T11:42:00.001-07:00

I just added this blog. I don't know why. It's not like I have a ton of time to be doing this and it's not like I am the most prolific writer with a ton to say. However, I find myself at this time of my life suddenly giving a shit about my health. It's dawned on me in my 43rd year that I can no longer take my body for granted. It's not quite as forgiving as it was when I was in my 20's and 30's.

Hangovers are a week long rather than a day; I can no longer 'jump' out of bed in the morning for fear that I will land flat on my face due to mysterious aches and pains that have suddenly appeared...I swear I woke up with them on my 40th birthday..wtf??

Anyway, I think I'm going to use this blog to keep me honest. If I publish what I have or have not been doing then hopefully my innate fear of looking like a twit will keep me on track.

I make it sound like I'm a newbie to this fitness thing but in reality I'm not. I've been running regularly for a year now and just completed my first half marathon. I'm an avid pole dancer much to my husband's delight and I will chronicle some of those pretty humorous sessions on this blog as well.

I hope that a few of you will find this blog relatable and will follow along to offer advice and encouragement. I promise to share whatever works and what doesn't and maybe we'll actually find that magic bullet one day (yeah right!)

Beginnings

2009-05-19T11:42:00.000-07:00

I Will Live with Abandon

2009-05-16T07:30:00.000-07:00

It's funny. My mother and I have not had what you would consider the healthiest of relationships over the years. In fact, she has only met my youngest two children a couple of times and has only been to my home once in the ten years we have been here. It's a long story and one that may come out in dribs and drabs in this blogger expedition but I had to comment on this most ironic of situations.

Despite this awkward, distant relationship, my mother forwards 'those' emails--the humorous, the touching, the chain letters. You get the idea. Well, the last two emails she sent me stuck with me in a way that surprised me. I have provided an edited version of one of those emails below. I'm not sure who is responsible for these words of wisdom and I truly hope they won't be offended by the liberties I have taken to change a few words here and there to more accurately represent moi.

As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making  my bed, I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many people leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.   

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 80’s and 90’s, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love.... I will.   

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a not-so-perfect and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from those hard bodied youth. They, too, will get old. 

Though with age I may become more forgetful, there are some things that I have experienced in this life that are better off forgotten.

Over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one or when your first love walks out of your life? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.  So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.       

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore.  I've even earned the right to be wrong.   

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).

I just love this 'letter' to our aging selves. I am embarrassingly guilty of stressing about getting older and searching endlessly for that next best anti-aging miracle cream.

That one line "I will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to" gave me pause. I stopped, I reflected and I realized that "yes", I want to start to live MY LIFE with abandon. I will not worry about being "appropriate". I will not care what others think of me. How liberating to be able to shake free of this youth obsessed ideal that the media is forever shoving down our turkey-necked throats.

Which brings me to the irony: My mother was always so aware of what others thought. She was a young mom who felt that she had to prove herself and in doing so, she was at times, harsh and unforgiving with us children. I hope that she is sending me a message that she wishes she had received so many years ago. Maybe this can be the step that we need to meet halfway?

I wish

2009-05-15T09:45:00.000-07:00

All I can say is, I've had better days...and it' only 9:45am!

Convenient Amnesia

2009-05-14T19:07:00.000-07:00

I just ~~crawled~~ came back from an hour long run. My second run since completing my first half marathon on the 3rd. Yes, it's taken me that long to recover enough to put on another pair of sneakers and venture out the door. I'm 42, give me a break.
Anyway, as I'm huffing and puffing my way up the hill (it's uphill both ways of this run..WTF? Don't ask me, it's some sick joke city engineers have been playing on us runners) I'm thinking "Why am I doing this? I can't breathe, I stink, people are giving me that 'look' as they drive by". That's when it dawns on me, running is like child birth--

That's my theory anyway. I can't explain the urge to run or parent otherwise.

Hairy Household

2009-05-12T13:46:00.000-07:00

I wasn't sure where this blog was going to take me...or for that matter, where I was going to take this blog. I have spent an inordinate amount of time over the past few weeks surfing around from blog to blog trying to get a sense of what it is that grabs us by the balls (so to speak) and makes us return again and again, anxious to devour postings made by other people not unlike ourselves.

What is it about looking into the window of other people's lives that so fascinates? For myself, it's a relief to know that I'm not the only mother who occasionally (ok, frequently) asks myself how the hell I got here--two marriages, four kids, two dogs, three cats, and a guinea pig later.

At the risk of bringing down the wrath of mothers everywhere, this life is NOT always magical, fulfilling or exciting. If I could do it all over again would I? To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure. My eldest son (15) is on the Autism spectrum, one of the consequences of which, he can not tolerate loud noise or unexpected changes in routine. As you can see from the above list of my life, those things are an integral part of our household.

When he was small, a strict routine was manageable and even preferable within the family system. Now that he is a much larger teenager, he has become rigid and inflexible. Rules are etched in stone for not only himself, but for everyone around him. There is no such thing as spontaneity for my son and therefore, not so much for the rest of the family either. Along with his fixed ideas has come increasing outbursts of anger and frustration, most of which he directs towards my youngest child Logan who is six.

So things are hairy around our house. I struggle with guilt about Mack and his quirks, Logan getting bullied by his older brother, my two daughters caught in the cross-fire and my husband who tries to maintain objectivity but is finding it increasingly difficult to accept some of Mack's behaviours, especially since he is not Mack's bio-dad.

So there you have it. I hope that some of you can find the time to comment and maybe offer some sage advice. As a mother of four, you would think that I have this thing down pat but motherhood and parenting probably has the steepest learning curve I've ever experienced.

Tantrums and Tears

2009-05-01T16:18:00.000-07:00

Why didn't anyone tell me how hard this would be? I think Dr. Laura might have mentioned it a few times...don't divorce, don't date if you have minor children, and for god's sake don't remarry until they hit the age of majority. OK, so I didn't do any of the above and sometimes, I really think Dr. Laura is up in the corner of my room pointing that finger at me saying "I told you so". What do you do when you have four children and two pairs are from different fathers?

They're all from my loins so technically they are all the same right? But at times I have to admit that I feel overprotective of my children from my first marriage. After all, my children with my current husband have an intact family and both of their parents under the same roof. My other kids must cope with infrequent visits with their father who has relocated to a new province; who is recently engaged to be married; and who has a two year child with this new fiancee.

I don't know what the answer is. I struggle with the impulse to jump to their defense but what about my younger children...do they suffer because of my guilt? And what about my husband? He seems to come last on my list of concerns...I think that is standard practice amongst those of us who have 'blended' our families or started another after a failed attempt at the first one. I am quick to conjure up 'mother bear' in response to perfectly reasonable feedback about my elder childrens' behaviours and choices. Is this the guilt that compels me to ignore reason?

The irony is that for a long time I've blamed my mother for my "stuff"...for my inability to trust; for my inability to feel safe to be 'me'. But am I doing the same thing to my own children? I think back on that time when my parents were divorcing; how I am quick to blame my "unstable" mother for the chaos that followed their separation. I find that as I am attempting to navigate motherhood, I am reflecting on how it must have been for her; trying to hold it together for three children. Being the ultimate narcissist and her husband has left her for another woman must have been torture for her. I am not in any way absolving her of her mistakes but I can understand how they came to be; even if I continue to feel saddened and disappointed by the decisions she made.

Perhaps Parenting Classes are in Order?

2009-04-25T16:13:00.000-07:00

I thought this pic would be a great thing to present for my first attempt at blogging. I think it sums up my parenting skills beautifully. Which is really sad to say but nobody could accuse me of not having any insight.
This is my life. No kidding. I found this sweet little note on my pillow the other day. It took me a moment to absorb the message and then another moment to decide whether I was pissed or not.
Turns out that my sweet little six year old son left this delightful love note for me.
To put this in context picture a three foot tall red-headed demon seed with a head so large that every time I look at him I hear that line from the movie So I Married An Axe Murderer.

The kicker is that he left his sister's initials to implicate her and take the heat off of himself. After I realized that, I couldn't be mad. I had to hand it to the kid; very clever. I think he takes after me ;-)